Tag Archives: attachment

Happy New Year

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On the last evening in 2013, I find myself in good company: my vizslador named Daphne, some Indian food, a bottle of sparkling cranberry juice, and myself.  I have a wonderful husband, who is not feeling well, and another little dog, who is recovering from surgery, but they are in a different city. It is not an ideal situation for any of us, but it sums up a number of things I’ve learned during 2013 quite nicely.

 

Daphne goes for my sparkling cranberry juice.

Daphne goes for my sparkling cranberry juice.

1. Expectations lead to disappointment. I did not expect to spend NYE without my most favorite person and with only a wet dog nose to kiss at midnight. I was sad at first, but then I realized that it really is just another night like any other. I’ve still had a pretty good time, watching some Netflix, enjoying my vegetable korma, and playing fetch down the hallway with Daphne. This year I’ve realized that the more expectations I set, the more times I end up disappointed. It might be something big, like expecting to kiss my husband at midnight on NYE, or something small, like expecting my Indian takeout to be ready on time. Either way, being too attached to an expected outcome sets you up for disappointment. It’s good to have goals and plans, but you can’t be so attached to them that you fall into a funk anytime something goes awry. I arrived to get my takeout tonight, and they had forgotten my order. I could have lost my temper and gone somewhere else, but instead I smiled and waited patiently. I knew that korma was worth the wait. And you know what, I got free masala tea! Not too shabby. Allowing ourselves to let go of expectations allows release from suffering/disappointment. This in turn allows us to enjoy whatever is happening to us right in each moment, instead of waiting for something that we expect to happen in the future. In 2014, I’m going to focus less on planning and more on living.

2. Do what you want, when you can. While sipping my complimentary masala tea and waiting for my food, I enjoyed a nice dose of people watching. Several groups walked in all dolled up, with sparkly headbands, fancy tights, tailored coats, and freshly shaven faces. Clearly these people were going to hit the town after enjoying some delicious Indian food. I probably could have found a group of people to get dressed up and go out with, but I didn’t really want to…I was looking forward to enjoying my Indian food and a cozy night to myself, without crowded bars and crazy people. And, let us not forget, I had a spectacular date at home: Daphne the vizslador. Daphne is also part of this lesson. We adopted Daphne just over a year ago, after I had the epiphany that I wanted another dog. A big dog. A slobbery, cuddly, wonderful dog. I had been telling myself we couldn’t get another dog because of the expense and the logistics. Then suddenly, I realized I was being an idiot. I have wanted said slobbery, cuddly, wonderful big dog since I was about 4 or 5 years old. I had a childhood dog who was wonderful, but not so slobbery, and definitely not cuddly. And we have Hobart, who is very cuddly, but not slobbery and quite small. So I said to myself: Elizabeth, life is short, and you have no business continuing to live without a big, slobbery, cuddly dog when there are so many of them out there to be loved and love you. And now I have one. And she’s wonderfully, excessively slobbery, big enough to earn the nickname “moose,” and cuddles with the best of them while taking up her fair share of the bed. And I guess the point is this: it is pretty rare that we can do exactly what we want. For example, to take a trip somewhere far away, work at a prestigious institution, publish a novel, etc. I think it is very important to do the things that really make us happy when we have the chance (i.e. order expensive Indian food and enjoy alone time, or adopt a big slobbery, cuddly dog), so long as it does not affect someone else negatively. In 2014, I’m going to seize all the chances I have to be happy, and encourage others to do the same.

3. Being alone can be a very good thing. I used to hate, even fear, being alone. I’ve never lived by myself, and up until quite recently, I used to fill any empty hours with social outings so I wouldn’t have to face a minute in the company of just…me. But as I’ve learned to reflect inward, alone time has become something that I treasure. Being alone allows us to tune in to our minds and bodies. It grants us the opportunity to address concerns and fulfill needs. The more comfortable we are in our own company, the better we can act in accordance with our values in the company of others. So tonight, I am enjoying my leisurely evening alone. I could be happy in many other places, with many other people, but I am choosing to be quite content being with me (and my big, slobbery dog). In 2014, I will use me-time to recharge, so that I have more energy to help others.

Now the hour of 2014 is upon us. I’m excited for this year. There are things to look forward to, things to hope for and dream of, and that is good. But I’m going to try to live most of 2014 in the moment, sans expectations. I will enjoy each moment for what it brings, I will choose to be happy whenever possible, and I will help others to be happy, too. When I feel lost, I will sit alone with myself, to remember where I am going.

I am very grateful for all my friends and family who have made this year a good one, and who I look forward to seeing more of in 2014. Happy New Year, all you creative, unique, and beautiful people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a vizslador to kiss.

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Small Victories: A lesson in attachment

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Today I made a personal victory of epic proportions. I had a book on hold at the library, and I didn’t pick it up. How is this a victory, you ask? That is sort of a long story…

I love to read. A lot. In a perfect world I would get paid to read and do yoga and then tell people about it. Alas, “professional yogi reader” is yet to be a job posting at KU. So instead, I read in my free time. When I say “free time” I mean time I have carved out for myself to read because it is important and enjoyable to me. Wait a minute, this sounds like a good thing, right? Well yes…and no…

Here’s the problem: Every time I hear about a book that piques my interest, I put it on hold at the local library. Usually there is a short wait, so I won’t get the book right away. When it is my turn to read the book, I have 2 weeks to pick it up before the next person in the online queue gets it. Thus begins the reading waiting game, which goes something like this:

“Aha! That awesome book about cheese you heard about on NPR is ready for you! You must go pick it up immediately! No, wait! You are already reading a rather long novel…you have 2 weeks, just be patient. *3 days later* Jumping jackrabbits! Book 1 in that Indian detective mystery series is ready! YOU NEED TO FINISH YOUR NOVEL SO YOU CAN PICK UP THE BOOK ABOUT CHEESE SO YOU CAN PICK UP THE INDIAN DETECTIVE MYSTERY!”

Happiness is a busy bookshelf

In many ways that last sentence is the story of my life…Sometimes I get really excited about several books, all at once, and I want to read them all. But my reading waiting game has unfortunately begun to tarnish an activity I treasure with stress. Instead of savoring my long novel, I am now attempting to race through it, budgeting how long it will take me to finish so I can return it and grab the next book before it, *gasp* IS TOO LATE AND THE NEXT PERSON GETS IT!

So today, while trying to decide when I could fit in a trip to the library to pick up the book about cheese (Yes, it’s real. I love cheese almost as much as I love books…maybe more.) on the LAST day before my 2 weeks are up, I had an epiphany. I could let the book go on to the next person, who is probably just as eager to read it as I, and then request it again, put myself back in the queue, and read the book when I have more time. No one will die. I will still have things to read in the meantime.

I realized I was forming an unhealthy attachment to the idea of attaining the book. I imagined opening its glossy cover, reading the reviews on the first page, flipping through the introduction, and staring at it longingly as I passed by the coffee table each day until I finished my other book.

This is a rather silly lesson in attachment, but it shows how pervasive that feeling can be. We think we must have something because we’re excited about it, so we need it right then, even if we don’t necessarily have time to appreciate it.

And so, today, I will not go to the library to pick up the book about cheese. Instead, I will I will enjoy the book I am reading, and I will not worry about all the other books out there yet to be read…at least…not too often.